“Don't judge yourself by what others did to you.” ― C. Kennedy

Wow!  It's been almost a year since I have written.  I can come up with a list to help justify the length of time, but why?  Life is busy and chaotic for anyone who is living.  But what is boils down to is I have been trying to live each day without my past being the present.  The past several years have been ridiculously difficult.  And no doubt my soul needed a break from it all.  But I have tried, and many times succeeded feeling like I am.....normal.

Normal?  What is normal?  Sadly, the more I talk with people, the more I read, being sexually abused is so common.  Way too common.  Normal?  Hell No!  But, I can see how it's possible to feel abnormal by not having sexual abuse part of your life.  Either you are a victim, or you know someone who is or has been.  Am I not right?  This world is so full of abuse.  It's sickening how many people I can think of right this very minute that have gone through the same pain and fear I've experienced.  Sure, I feel victorious most of the time.  But this shit is always a part of you.  I have always felt so lucky for the wonderful supportive people I have in my life.  I am surrounded by people who love me and who truly care about me.

40 years of life is quickly approaching for me.  Am I scared? A little bit.  I look in the mirror and I no longer see the 25 year old version of me. It kinda sucks!  But on a more positive note, I'm still here, making good memories!
     

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself"

Alan Alda...Who doesn't love that man?  He was wonderful in M.A.S.H. and how could you not just adore him in The Big C?  He is a guy that should be everyone's dad.  At least that's what I have created him as in my mind.  Through his various characters and personalities he has become the father icon for me.  Hollywood does that to us.

I have started this post about a dozen times.  I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can.  Over and over again.  I couldn't express what I was feeling.  I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me.  Today I am trying.

I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse.  I have felt it all.  I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything.  Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much.  The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying.  But guess what?  It didn't even phase me.  I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being.  I was angry for being called a liar.  But, you know what?  I don't even like this person.  Not even a little bit.  Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress.  In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole.  Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.

So where do I go from here?  I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother.  This is something that has been really good for me.  The anger is gone.  The hurt is becoming distant.  I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things.  The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed.  One day.  Like me.

To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.

Picture it...(yes, my favorite words of Estelle Getty) Alone, sitting at the computer, looking out the window...tapping my foot to the song Williamstown.  I am at peace. Right at this very moment, the only thing I would change would be having my partner home.  She has been gone since Sunday morning.  It has seemed like an eternity. But I have had alot of time to myself, and alot of time to put things back into perspective.

Awhile back I was reading some comments in a support group I belong to.  I always find it funny that no one ever uses their real name.  Always a screen name that keeps their identity hidden.  If you read my profile, my name is there.  You will also find where I live, and some of my interests.  Anyway, my point is, I'm not hiding.  This particular person, whom I'm assuming is male because if his screen name being "CrockHunter2" had absolutely no personal info listed. He sure has balls to say what's on his mind, but where are they in the end?  Hiding like a little baby behind a made up name.  Hmmm....

His post started off just fine.  Talking about people he knew that had been abused as children.  He seemed harmless.  His post made me feel like he knew of these people rather than really knowing them.  He used the two words "I think" alot!  Anyway, as I was reading along I came to a line that totally came out of nowhere!  He said "People who have been abused will always have evil inside of them."  Huh? I was thinking to myself, what a nut job.  I went to close the page but out of extreme curiosity of what other stupid things CrockHunter2 could possibly say I kept reading.  To sum up his thoughts, he believes that when anyone is sexually abused, they too become evil.  The abuser basically passes on some of his evilness.  

Now, I do believe that some evil resides in us all.  Hence the show Snapped.  But I don't believe that abusers "pass" on evil.  He went on to say that sexually abused victims become one of many things.  I'm going by memory, but basically this was his list. Victims become:

     Abusers 

     Addicts

     Violent

     Suicidal

     Incarcerated

So his list contained about 10-12 items.  The above 5 stuck out the most to me.  Lets just go in order here.  I know that behavior is learned.  People who are abusive in any manner have usually been around it or lived through it.  Do you agree?  You know Joe Blow.  He smacks around his wife. Joe Jr. is being taught it's ok to have this kind of behavior.  So, when Joe Jr. loses his cool later on in life, yep you guessed it.  Same goes for all kinds of abuse.  Now the thing that really really pushed me over the edge was his comment that all victims who have been sexually abused will at least think about doing it themselves.  Most at least experiment. WTF? Really. So as you can imagine, I was really wanting to rip this guys head off through the computer screen!  But remember, he's hiding.  I can honestly say that I know many people who have been sexually abused and his "facts" are not totally correct.  Don't put us all in the same category. You and I both know that it is highly likely that an abuser was once a victim.  But remember, you have to be accountable and take responsibility for your own actions.  Being a victim does not get you a free pass!  

Pull 10 addicts from a street corner.  Tell me, are all 10 victims? Probably of some kind.  My personal experience is that all I ever wanted was for it to just go away.  After a few beers, I can't make my mind even think of it.  Duh I'm going to drink.  And yes the alcohol went along with suicide. Whoop dee do!  Am I an addict?  No.  Am I suicidal?  No.  Of course victims think of killing themselves.  Look what has happened to them!  I would never wish it upon my worst enemy.  Yes, there will always be a part of my that is dead.  Lost forever.  But that doesn't mean the rest of me isn't worth living for.  

I have never been arrested.  I have never done anything that would even get me there.  I'm not sure I agree with this one at all.  It would be interesting though to find out the statistics on this one.  

I know you're wondering where I am going with all of this rambling. What started out as a simple entry has gotten out of control.  Let me sum up how I'm feeling right now.  Go back to the beginning.  "To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are."  I think of the person I could have become because of being sexually abused.  It scares me.  But I think I have done pretty damn good.  I know I can't take all the credit, I have alot of support in my life.  I used to wish I was living someone else's life.  Everyone's life was better than mine.  I didn't want to be Wendy anymore.  But sitting here tonight, I am happy to be me.  I am who I want to be.  I am content. Perhaps the most content I'v been in a really long time.  "Whatever the child can survive, the adult can heal." I'm feeling it.  My little Wendy Sue is a fighter, and because of her, I am seeing the light at the end of my tunnel.   

      

Be sure about something.....................

There are 3 things in this world I know for sure.

1.  Most things in life are not fair.

2.  My partner and kids will always take care of me.

3.  Whopper Wednesday will forever be a good idea.