I'm a survivor
My voyage to becoming a childhood sexually abused SURVIVOR!
Sunday, October 16, 2022
A long pause.....
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Just breathe.................
To my children, T, F, B, and K, you are all a part of me. I hope you will always be able to find a piece of me within yourselves. I could never have imagine life would be so good being a mom. I know sometimes you have wondered if I had lost my mind, but sometimes you need to let go and live in the moment. Do something crazy. I will always protect you with every ounce of strength and power I have. Always remember to be good to not only to each other, but to yourself. I love you to the moon and back a million times!
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Fighting for my life
We all have our heroes right? The ones we look up to and even those we truly wish to become one day.
My hero has always been Wonder Woman. Strong, powerful woman. Destroys the evil of the universe. I remember finding out that she was just a character played by Lynda Carter. I was heartbroken. But owning a Wonder Woman cape, I was determined to still become her. I watched every episode. I watched reruns over and over. One day, she would save me from my ugly world.
Wonder Woman never happened. Jumping off the table, and falling from trees over and over, I never could figure out the flying thing.
I think she feeds me. I think she keeps me going and wanting to bring justice to so many. Always more victims. Which brings me more anger. A gun. I bought a gun. To protect my children. It use to make me feel uneasy. But now I feel powerful. I won't let anyone harm my family or any innocent child. I also bought a gun to protect myself from the people who are going to want me to disappear. More and more people are finding what horrible things happened in the Glathar homes. More victims coming forward. They will be exposed. And they will be held accountable for their heinous cowardly crimes. Watch out, Wonder Woman is coming to get you.
Friday, June 9, 2017
At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen.
Does it ever go away? The pain, the anger, the shame, the hate. No. Never. And if someone tells you differently, they are a liar. My past has ruined me. Trying to overcome it has slowly destroyed me. I call myself a survivor. But that is false. Unless you consider the fact that I'm still breathing.
Where do I go from here? I have no clue. I live in a world full of artificial promises and dreams. Manipulation. My wife and kids make me feel of worth. Loved. Needed. Wanted. And for those reasons, I am still here. Feeling. Breathing. Writing.
My purpose has been lost in the everyday chaos of life. My hopes gradually sinking in the depths of regret. How do you preform CPR on a soul?
If I fail, he has won.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Hello darkness; my old friend.
I feel like I'm in a very dark cave. Almost claustrophobic. I talk out loud to my children. Then pause to write a few words. The only company I have is the ticking of the clock. Getting louder and louder, I want to throw something at it. But then I worry I will be left alone.
These past 3 1/2 months have been rather difficult. I feel like I've taken 100 steps backwards. I haven't felt this so abandoned for so long. Wait, abandoned is not the right word. My parents and some other family members have made me feel like I'm the last person who is chosen to be on a team. Like "oh shit, is there anyone else?" Family event. Me and my wife and our children had been planning on attending for months. A joyous occasion. Less than 48 hours prior to the event, concern was brought to my attention that perhaps my abuser and other abusers from my dad's family would be attending. What? No way. That can't be an option. Would they really do that to me? Yes. They did do that to me.
At this very minute I feel like the most unloved person that has ever taken a breath. I have been strong. I thought I had conquered the shame and the anger. But here I am. I am tired. Every ounce of me feels the exhaustion. I am no good to anyone in this condition.
Holidays. Fuck the holidays. Do they bring me happiness? A bit. Sometimes. My wife will tell you I'm Jekyll and Hyde. Honestly she will tell you that is more common than not. Few lines from the song:
There's just so much goddamn weight on my shoulders.
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life.
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder.
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside.
Oh, yo, yo, there's a demon inside.
Oh, yo, yo. Just like Jekyll and Hyde.
Oh, yo, yo, all this anger inside.
Oh, yo, yo, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
HELLO, my name is Normal
It's been awhile.....but still here. All of it.
It seems that these past 6+ months have bombarded most everything in my life. A medical issue has forcefully given me plenty of thinking time. And talk about feeling every emotion. At first I was so angry and a bit scared. Here I am 40 years old and I can't help to wonder........is this karma? Is this all the years I've been wanted to be done with life, happening? Ahh....probably not. So get up and suck it up:)
I find it very interesting that as day to day life goes on, I still find myself sifting through my thoughts and feelings about my past. I am still searching for things to help me try to understand my childhood. Perhaps the search is hopeless. Although I truly feel I have made alot of progress, I feel like this is really a lifelong sentence. All it takes is a TV show, news article or someones stupid comments that gets me in a rage. Paul from the Big C describes it perfect. "Flip the Switch." Although he is talking about change, positive change, it also is a good example of how quickly and fiercely my mood can change. Given the right ingredients, it can all go to hell. Just as it has done so many times over the years.
Now today, a year and a half later. I have neglected my sweet little Wendy Sue. I tend to keep myself too busy. Family, work, pets and even dumb time wasting things. I need to make time for her. So..here I am. Letting her help me express my thoughts and allowing me get back to a simple child's mind.
I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with two of my cousins who were a huge part of my childhood life. The circumstances weren't the most joyous, but it enabled us to become part of each other's lives again. It's a good feeling.
A few weeks ago I was feeling all mighty and powerful. I shared a post on Facebook about Utah being the state with the highest reported sexual abuse cases. Did you catch that? Reported cases. So many many unreported cases. Many people like me. Struggling just to survive in this crazy world for so many years without help. I felt good about the post. Bringing awareness to the problem. That's where my cousins come into the picture. I was told about the horrible things that had also happened to them. Talk about a stab in the heart. Pull the knife out, and stab me again. The two same fuckers...my dad's dad and youngest brother. I also found out an additional brother was abusing family members. And, other members of my dad's family knew what was happening and did nothing to stop it. In fact, my dad's brother in law ( LDS bishop at the time) knew full well what had happened to at least 2 of my cousins and approved and supported my dad's youngest brother to serve an LDS mission. Disregarding everything that was told to him. As you can imagine, my blood boiled. I was beyond angry. I still am. To hear ANOTHER family member share their pain with me put me in anger overdrive.
I remember years ago, sitting in church and a lady was speaking of our life before we were born. Not really giving a shit about what she had to say, I was just letting my mind wonder to other things. I can only tell you one thing she said. Something on the lines of this: we chose our own trials. WTF? We chose what we thought we could handle. Ok, at first I was thinking want an idiot. Seriously, I chose this? Was I on crack at the time? Then I convinced myself I did choose to be sexually abused. Only so my loved ones would be spared. That was bullshit. I obviously don't belief this at all. But I did at one point. I wish it were the case. But as you know, I now know of 6 family members besides me that were sexually abused as children.
So what do I do now? I need a plan. I'm not just going to let it go and move on. I need to make my Wendy Sue proud. I need to do it for her and for the other victims whom I dearly love.
Just like my health issue, it will always be there. Staying dormant until for whatever reason it decides to remind me it is there, so is my past. So is my little innocent Wendy Sue.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
“Don't judge yourself by what others did to you.” ― C. Kennedy
Normal? What is normal? Sadly, the more I talk with people, the more I read, being sexually abused is so common. Way too common. Normal? Hell No! But, I can see how it's possible to feel abnormal by not having sexual abuse part of your life. Either you are a victim, or you know someone who is or has been. Am I not right? This world is so full of abuse. It's sickening how many people I can think of right this very minute that have gone through the same pain and fear I've experienced. Sure, I feel victorious most of the time. But this shit is always a part of you. I have always felt so lucky for the wonderful supportive people I have in my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and who truly care about me.
40 years of life is quickly approaching for me. Am I scared? A little bit. I look in the mirror and I no longer see the 25 year old version of me. It kinda sucks! But on a more positive note, I'm still here, making good memories!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself"
I have started this post about a dozen times. I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can. Over and over again. I couldn't express what I was feeling. I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me. Today I am trying.
I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse. I have felt it all. I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything. Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much. The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying. But guess what? It didn't even phase me. I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being. I was angry for being called a liar. But, you know what? I don't even like this person. Not even a little bit. Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress. In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole. Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.
So where do I go from here? I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother. This is something that has been really good for me. The anger is gone. The hurt is becoming distant. I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things. The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed. One day. Like me.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. - Margaret Mead
I remember Mother's day as a child. Me and my siblings would all pitch in to help with dinner. Then we would give her gifts that we didn't pick out, but were just handed to us. As I got older, I do remember having a say in what we gave her. As an adult. "going in" on a big gift together with my siblings seemed to mean more to me. Making my mom diner was always something I enjoyed doing for her.
Things have changed. I look back at my life and wonder where things went so bad. I try so hard to remember my mother helping me with homework, reading with me, even hugging me. I don't recall any of this and I keep telling myself that I must wrong. But no matter how hard I try, it's not there.
Just like I have ached to have a relationship with My Wendy Sue, I have also had the same hunger for a mommy. I want my mom. I want her to care enough about me to want to make things better. I want her to stop wondering what I'm doing and to really really care. I don't want the conversations that always lead up to why I am so angry. I want her to understand. I want her to be patient with me and just love me damn it! I will never be able to comprehend how she has let things get to this point. I'm feeling like I don't have a mother who cares for her child.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
This is who I am.
This picture was posted on OAASIS: Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors In Service.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
But, today is the day. Instead of talking to myself, which I frequently do, I am going to write about it. I'm hoping that by doing so, I may find some peace with some of these crazy emotions. Please don't judge me....don't think I'm crazy.....don't try to get me committed somewhere.
Going through recovery has obviously helped me more than I ever thought was possible. But it has also been way more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I've said before, sometimes I rather feel nothing, no emotions at all, than to feel some of the things I feel. But it doesn't work that way, and I am still learning methods of dealing with such emotions. I have learned that my brain is one messed up organ. The brain is the most complex of all organs. With so many functions and duties, something is bound to go awry. I think that victims of any kind have obvious issues from the traumatic events. But I am starting to believe that certain events cause your brain to work overtime. My brain is in overload. It's got too many things going. The more I read, and the more I search for help, the more I am understanding why I feel certain things.
I'll just be blunt.....I feel like I am a fragment of me. I feel like because of being sexually abused, half of my soul was taken from me. I feel like I will never be a whole person. There will always be pieces of me missing. Can I really help my Wendy Sue. Do I really know how to? How can I ever get better or become whole when I feel like only half of me exists? If you drop a glass and it shatters, you gather the pieces and pray to God that no one notices the glue. But, how can you put it back together when a few pieces have come up missing? It will never be a glass again. Well, maybe. But not one that will hold water. That's a good comparison. My missing pieces are making me feel like I am never going to heal. But do I know how it feels to be whole? And not only that, but can I be of any good for anyone? Can someone so broken really really make another person happy? Am I capable of being a lifelong partner? How can I, Wendy, complete anyone else?
I've asked myself a million times what exactly am I hoping and wanting to get out of my recovery. My answer is always to just make it go away. Leave my mind. But that is never going to happen and I need to figure out a way to get past that! Maybe if I knew what it felt like to be a normal child, I would long for that feeling. All I know is the adult that has tried so long and hard to cope with what had happened. Some days I feel like the world is caving in. I want to be strong. I want to be the survivor that I write about.
My chest is tight. I'm getting too worked up. This is my brains way of telling me I'm done for now. I need to go find my diet coke.
Friday, December 16, 2011
To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome
It's been a week and a half since I've taken the next step in recovery. I have reported the abuse. Talking with the officer was very difficult. He was very nice, and told me a Detective would be calling me. Hmmm.....still waiting. I don't have much faith in our justice system, even less in Lehi Police Department. The few encounters I have had with them have left me feeling like it's just better to get something done yourself. I guess we will see if they ever call me back :(
My sleeping sucks! The nightmares have been only about 2-3 times a week now. But when I have them they are so crazy and upsetting. They have involved my partner and my kids which gets me extremely upset. I hate the way my dreams make me feel. I not only lose much needed sleep, but also my carefree happy thoughts. I have tried medication to help knock me out. Listen, I should have never trusted the former game show host with this herbal sleeping aid. "E" for effort though. I can't remember the last time I slept all night. I want to wake up feeling refreshed and having a clear mind. Instead, I fight my body to surrender itself to the overwhelming tiredness it feels. My mind is always filled with thoughts of resentment and anger. What does one do?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The past is not the past, it is still ruining my life.
Then chapter two came along. Now, not only was my dad invading my dreams but now so were other people, including the abuser. My dad's family all started to appear in my dreams. I truly believe that the abuse involving my dad's family is more severe than I can imagine. Something very evil resided in my grandfather. I will never know what turned him into such a horrific beast. He deeply disturbed the lives of his children. I think not only were they all abused as children, but I also believe the abuse continued through adulthood. Their lack of accountability, and huge lack of protecting their children has resulted in harsh feelings. I am angry at these people. So, it was no surprise the rage I felt when I woke up. This all was starting to wear on me. I was waking up angry and ornery. And very tired! Not a good way to be starting the day.
After a few nights of this, things changed. Chapter three was nothing like the first two chapters. Although unwanted people were trespassing into my dreams, there was never any communication or physical contact. Great.....now there was. The first dream was about my dad's sister. I was the age I am now. We were out and about shopping together. Now this time, I wasn't feeling anger towards her or feeling like she shouldn't be there. It was very weird. I remember thinking to myself "oh this isn't too bad. It might even be fun". But then things quickly changed. My aunt started to come onto me. OK, sick and disgusting right? I will spare you the details. But as you can imagine I was freaking the eff out! Putting it mildly. I woke up and it took me awhile to realize I was dreaming and why I was so upset. This ruined my day. And I think that's when I realized what was happening to me. Other dreams in this chapter have included talking with my parents. During one dream I felt like my parents were trying to help me. We were discussing the abuse and they were asking me questions about it. I was feeling safe. I remember feeling like this was what I really needed from my parents. But right as I'm feeling those feelings, I look at my dad and he starts to ask me crazy disgusting questions about the abuse and I realize he's enjoying it. I woke up upset, but also thinking to myself "not far from the truth".
So last night's dream really made me angry. I woke up yelling and startled my partner and dogs. I felt like I couldn't fully wake up. I was stuck in this dream that I wanted so badly to be out of! My mom had come to visit me. Wanted to clear her conscience. She began yacking away about nothing, and then suddenly she begins to divulge her secrets. Then as she's telling me, I look over and my dad is there. Which has now more than just annoyed me. I kept thinking that she knows I don't want to see him. Why would she bring him when I specifically asked her not to. I wasn't listening to what she was saying. I was only listening to myself. She obviously caught on. She grabbed me by my arms and started to shout in my face. She was so angry. And crying. And then she tells me about the two 1/2 siblings I have. What? My dad had fathered two other children. But they both had developmental problems. He hid them from me and my siblings. I kept asking her why and she was yelling "Stay out of it! Stay out of it!" I was so confused. She was telling me this stuff, I wasn't confronting her. And my dad, he just stood there. A few feet away. Smiling. I was so angry at him. I wanted to kill him. After sometime, I turned the tables. I was yelling at my mom. Asking her how she could stay with my dad. Asking her what was so wrong with her that she couldn't just walk away from him. I wanted answers! But, I wasn't getting any from her. So once again I woke up yelling and in a rage.
I have been searching for help with all of this. Maybe it's because it's never out of my head. No matter how busy I get, it's still there. Perhaps that's the only time I have been allowing myself to think about it. While I am sleeping. Although I don't feel like I'm choosing to lose sleep or wake up angry. I'm feeling like I'm losing some control. I don't like it!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up." - G. K. Chesterton
I have worked hard to tear my fence down. It's been tough. Probably because I don't like to just slap on some paint to cover the weathered wood. Instead, I am one who likes to put on many layers just to make sure the fence is protected. But it's protecting me. Does it really need to be protected? I think I really over did it with the upkeep on my fence. Should have just let it slowly rot away years ago. Much easier said than done though.
I have learned that each slat in my fence was put there for a reason. I achieved my goal of keeping everyone out for over 2 decades. Each piece of wood represented my fear. Tearing down each piece also scared me. I didn't know what would happen. Telling my partner was the first step in my recovery. Once that piece was removed, it seemed to get a bit easier. You know why? Because I was filled with her undying support. I can't say this enough...she saved my life. My soul is truly at peace because of her and her love. I am the luckiest woman on this planet!
The fear I had telling my youngest brother was different. I already knew how he was going to react. I already knew the look he would have on his face. And, I knew what his first words would be. I was scared for what this could do to him. I have never wanted to make anyone's life more difficult because of this. That makes absolutely NO sense. The only people I want to feel pain and misery are my abusers. But telling him and his wife also increased the feeling of support. I was beginning to have my own little cheering section!
Talking to my sisters also scared me. I didn't know what would be behind those boards. But once again, I feel their support. And the best part of that section of fence being gone....I have been able to spend time with them and finding out who they really are. My oldest and youngest sisters are like the long lost friends you had a as child. I see both of them differently now. I love to visit with them. But, I feel their pain and that upsets me. Naturally I just to help them and make things right for them. But, I also know it's up to them.
My parents portion of my fence has been very tough. I see them differently too. But I've learned it's ok to feel like I do about them. Especially my father. I am in a space right now that I am just fine if I never see him again. You may disagree with how I feel, but he is a part of this awful mess. I can't just close my eyes and pretend everything is ok with him. It's very far from it.
My kids have also helped in the destruction of my fence. I want them to see me as the strongest mom ever. I don't want them to see how weak I can be. I've always felt like my relationships with my kids have been great. But just like everyone else, it has changed. For the good. I was scared that they would just not want to hear about it. I worried that they wouldn't want to be involved with my recovery. They are right there in my corner also cheering me on.
Many people and things are helping me tear this fence down and helping me haul it off. Talking, writing, reading and just simple interactions with people are making this easier and easier. I am very grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. I must have done something right to have so much support and love from many people who I care deeply about.
You have to take the first step. Even if it seems so small at first. Or perhaps you might feel it could the most difficult thing ever. But you have to do it. It took too many years of my life away. Don't let it take one more day of your life. Or of your friend's life. Or of your spouses life. Or of your sibling's life. Or of your child's life.
Friday, May 27, 2011
“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” Orson Welles
I have been so busy with other things lately that I am feeling like this is slowly becoming easier to just not think about. Don't get me wrong. It's never completely gone, and there are times my rage and angry start to take over again. I hate feeling like I'm no longer heading in the right direction.. I'm just at a halt. Hanging out at the rest area. No bueno!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm feeling like an....... omelette!
The sad thing about me feeling this way is that I've done it to myself. I have let my negative thoughts and feelings take over. Sure, alot is happening right now besides my recovery. So naturally I am getting overwhelmed and feeling defeated. I am letting things really wear me down and I don't like it. I feel like I'm in a space where I can't deal with this crap anymore. I want it gone!
I haven't been able to talk to anyone yet about what can be done legally. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I had prepared myself emotionally, but meeting with the officer I had planned didn't work out. So, now I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. I don't feel as ready and as confident as before. In fact, yesterday I told my partner I was done dealing with it. I no longer wanted to find resolution. I wanted to walk away from it and somehow have it magically be gone.
Well, guess what? I woke up this morning and it's all still here. Good try I guess.
What this all boils down to is that I'm feeling like being abused was no big deal. Happens all the time. I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to see some justice. I wanted this to be stopped. But I feel like I'm not succeeding. And that really sucks!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Be sure about something.....................
1. Most things in life are not fair.
2. My partner and kids will always take care of me.
3. Whopper Wednesday will forever be a good idea.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
"Don’t ever try to stop truth. It’s the only thing that can go through a 16-inch armor plate." ~ L. Ron Hubbard
My partner will testify under oath that I do everything possible to avoid any kind of argument with her. I refuse to let anger take over and end up saying something that I don't mean. We've all been there. In my previous relationships, this happened quite often. I have learned that once something is said, it stays out there forever. Never leaves you. With that being said, I believe we have got it figured out. Communication. Calm communication. Rational communication. Open communication. It works. One of us may be angry at the moment, but it's hard to stay angry when we are talking in "nice voices."
This brings me to what I really need to get off my chest. The anger and fear I'm feeling about confronting my abusers. My grandfather(I HATE calling him that) is dead. I know I will never feel any kind of resolution with being sexually abused by him. I can't confront him. I can tell him where to go. I can't flip him off. I tell myself that he's burning in hell, but I'm not a believer in hell, so that doesn't really do the trick. I guess one day, maybe I will find the answer.
My uncle is still around. I've thought about the different ways that I can confront him. I could write a letter. But, what would that really do for me? He will not respond, duh. He may not even read it. So tell me what a letter will do? I don't think anything. Then there's face to face confrontation. I'm worried about this one. I think I'm most afraid of what it will do to me. I'm not worried about being scared. I'm scared about being angry. Do you see what I'm saying? Even when I start thinking about confronting him, my blood starts to boil. I'm clenching my jaw. I feel every muscle in my body become tense. I want to beat the living shit out of him. No one will be able to stop me. I have years and years of pain and anger deep inside of me. Waiting to explode. No physical pain could ever come close to where I've been.
To me, this sounds like a good idea. It will be very healthy for me. But, I don't want to go to jail. I mean come on, the victim that was sexually abused as a child goes to jail for assault. The child molester is free. UGH! Because of this reality, I won't be throwing any punches.
I am going to take a huge step in my recovery this week. I am meeting with a police officer on Wednesday. Although I know this is going to be very difficult for me, I know this is what I need to do. Whatever the outcome, this will be one more step closer to becoming a survivor.
Friday, March 18, 2011
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.” ~Richard Bach
Knowing someone that has had these thoughts, or even ended their life, is not the same as being that person. If you have not felt this way ever.....you can't even begin to imagine what it's like. Some days I had to dig so deep inside my soul to find a reason to stay for one more day. I would lie awake all night, getting little sleep for years fantasizing (yes, that's very disturbing) about the last moments of my life. In my early adult life, I would spends days on end drinking until I would pass out. Each time, hoping I wouldn't wake up. Once again, I felt like I was being responsible because my kids were with their dad, and I was home alone. Obviously this didn't work.
Later on in life, I made a different plan, I justified my thoughts by telling myself my kids had many people who love them and I knew they would be taken care of very well. I had the place picked out, and the time of year that I would do this. Telling you this is going to help me. I haven't talked about my plan with any of my many therapists that I've seen over the years. I am both ashamed and disappointed with myself for being in the dark place that I once was.
I remember the day very well. I was done. Spent. No longer had any desire to live. I put on some music, Bryan Adams, and traveled to Provo Canyon. Sun roof open, sunglasses on...if you saw me you would've thought that I was going on a nice Sunday drive. I headed up to Squaw Peak. I wasn't nervous at all. Rather calm. When I reached the top, I got out of the car and observed the people there. No one could've suspected anything because of my actions. I looked around, walked to the edge of the peak, and told myself "this is the place." But that day wasn't the day. I was determined to wait until late fall. Just before the first big snow storm. At the time, being frozen in the ground sounded peaceful. I would no longer be held hostage to the excruciating pain and anger. I would feel liberated.
Well, life happens and even though I was still dying inside, I never went back to Squaw Peak. I guess I just kept finding reasons to live. Those thoughts never really escaped me. But I guess you could say, they were put on the back burner. Sitting here today, I am very grateful that I didn't let the feelings of self loathing, pain, and worthlessness over power me. I have been able to experience life being happy and the thoughts of suicide are completely gone. It makes me sad thinking about what used to consume the majority of my thoughts. I know there are many people in the world today that have those same thoughts. I wish I had the magical answer. But all I can tell you is that there is help, hope and peace out there. I have learned that it's ok to have the thoughts of suicide (not recommending it at all!) as long as you don't act them out or hurt yourself. When you're having thoughts about suicide, you are allowing the anger for being abused and the anger you have towards the abuser to take over. Don't let that anger take your life. We are all filled with incredible strength. Get angry. Cry! Let yourself feel every emotion, and then be done with it. Do what you need to do to release yourself from the anger, pain and sorrow. Ultimately, if you end your life, you have lost. And not only have you lost, but the child molester has won. Don't let the abuser destroy you.
I chose the above quote because I think it so describes me! My family and friends have always thought I was crazy. I didn't "do" the things normal people did. I didn't ever take the easy road. I mean come on, the spontaneous dangerously unknown is way more appealing. I've been accused of "being on something" on several occasions. Funny though....I've always been drug free! So I guess what it comes down to is that I could've ended my life along time ago. But, what I like and want to believe is that my hunger for adventure kept me alive. It bought me the time I needed to be able to deal with being sexually abused as a child in a healthy and productive way. Now, I'm not going to change. I'm not going to mellow out or slow down. Adventure will ALWAYS be calling my name. But, now the difference is I am being adventurous with my partner and our kids.
Statistically, victims of childhood sexual abuse are 13 times more likely to commit suicide. Also, 43% of victims have thought about or attempted suicide. *The department of pediatrics and child health 2001 Sept.
Keep in mind, this study was done on young victims, all under the age of 24 years old. Also, as you can see, the study was done 10 years ago. I believe the numbers to be higher because victims are not all just healed by age 24. You must also take in consideration that not all victims ever report or talk about being abused. Think about this one for a minute....
The typical sex offender molests an average of 117 children, most of whom do not report the offense.
*National Institute of Mental Health
Do the math people!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death
I've been dealing with something that I will describe to you as an emotional tug o' war. Last month my mother finally broke her silence. I received a letter from her. To sum things up without getting too sappy, she loves me, she's proud of me, and she didn't know what had happened to me. At first, I was angry with the letter! I wondered why this simple letter had taken her so long to write. I was angry that for months I stewed about her not writing me soon after she received my letter. Let me remind you, my letter did not contain blame, anger or hate towards my parents. So, to not immediately hear back from them was highly painful.
For the next few days I thought about her letter. My anger was now shifting to guilt. Naturally, I didn't like the way I was feeling. Guilt is not a part of my treatment. The only guilt that I want to allow myself to feel is the guilt I have for my little Wendy Sue. I guess you could say I was feeling guilty that my mom was upset. That she was having a hard time with this, and was very emotional. The grapevine "spoke" to me and informed me that this was all taking a huge toll on her. So, I decided that I needed to wait until I could get back into my survivor mode. After 2 weeks, I wrote her back. I told her what my partner and I had been up to, as well as our kids.
I felt good about it. I had responded. I didn't ignore it. I didn't just let it be. Yea for Wendy! But, a few weeks later, my doorbell rang. It was my mother. I don't really want to go into much detail about her visit. But I will tell you this, I held myself together very well. I listened to what she had to say without feeling much emotion. I didn't get upset. I didn't get angry. We talked about the kids, and then she was gone. I closed the door, sat on the chair and took a deep breath. I didn't feel guilty. I felt sadness for her, but not guilt. What she was feeling was not my fault. For whatever reasons (and I have some ideas) she was now feeling the pain and hurt that victims have no control over.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain” -William Faulkner
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
UGH!!! UGH!!! UGH!!!
It all started yesterday. My youngest daughter was chatting with me, and told me she had run into my dad's brother at Costco. As you can imagine, the feeling I got in my gut was awful. I asked her some questions, trying to figure out who it was. She couldn't remember anything other than he said he was my uncle. So, I let myself get all worked up in fear it was him. Well, come to find out (through her dad) it was him. The rage I have felt since this news has been very disturbing. Over and over I have asked myself how could this have happened. I'm not doing my job.....protecting my children. What right does he think he has to talk to them. To even look at them. Yeah, I want to do something crazy. Restraining order. Threatening visit from me. Ugh...I feel helpless right now! How do I get out of this space? I know I need to move forward with this. I know it's going to entail a confrontation. Can I handle it? Can I control the anger I feel right now? Probably not. I guess that's why I'm sitting here on my couch rather than in the car heading to his house. I can't feel like I am doing nothing about it. I can't live with the fear that this might happen again. I need to be assured that this will NEVER happen again! Any suggestions?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Taking care of me.
I found it rather difficult to complete the next exercise. Picture having no responsibility at all. No family members to be taking care of or worrying about. No laundry or dishes to get caught up with. No yard work or errands to run. No dogs to feed, let outside, or keep track of. Nothing. And no worries about time or money. What would I do if I had no responsibilities or obligations. Hmmm.....I would be bored. I have no idea what I would do. I was supposed to think of something that I would enjoy doing by myself. Well, maybe tinkering in the garage. But even that wouldn't last long. I enjoy doing alot of things, but always with other people.
I kinda skipped that part. The way I saw it, I was wasting time trying to make myself think of something. But, what I found out next was enlightening. Children who have been sexually abused are more concerned about making the people around them happy than making themselves happy. I can't speak for other victims, but I know how I felt and sometimes still do. Pleasing others made me feel valuable and worth while. What other reason did I have to live for? I spent countless hours on other people. Maybe because I was afraid to take care of myself. I definitely didn't know how to care for myself.
What does it entail to take care of Wendy? To begin with, subtract 30 years from my life. What does a 7 year old child need? Praise and nurturing for starters. Then of course trust and the feeling of security. Love, love and more love. Then.....here comes the self esteem. Now you can add the 30 years back on. What do I need today to make sure I'm "feeding" my soul? Here's the list I came up with, even though I don't do all of them yet.
1. Love yourself (I do believe it's impossible to honestly love others until you have learned to love yourself!)
2. Put your needs first (I'm still trying to figure out what my needs are)
3. Make time for yourself (even though I do make time to do things with others, I find I can't make the time to just be alone)
4. Be in control (Not only of yourself, but of situations around you. I like to feel like I'm in charge. I think my partner and my kids help to make me feel like I'm in control of things. Even when I'm really not)
5. Demand respect (From everyone!)
Short list, but rather difficult for me. I want to love myself. Some days, I wish I could be that person you want to punch because they are so in love with themselves. Yadda yadda, blah blah, me me me. You know the type I'm talking about. But that's not really the self love that I want.
I am learning to take control. Learning to be in charge of me. I have taken control of being sexually abused. I am taking control of what I am allowing to happen. Yes, there are days that I feel are either going in the wrong direction or feeling like things are going too fast for me to deal with emotionally. But the cool thing is, since I have control of it, I get to slam on the brakes or turn the wheel to stay on the path.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Who the hell am I anyway?
Today, I feel like Wendy.
Monday, January 24, 2011
“It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life." Ben Stein
Yesterday, my partner and I went to lunch with my youngest sister, her husband and their cute little boy. We had such a great time. We spent nearly two hours visiting and catching up on life. Although my abuse was not discussed, I left feeling that my bucket of hope and determination had elevated. The fact alone that she knows what I'm going through and still wants to have a relationship with me, gives me some comfort.
I know how the human mind works. The brain is amazing. I also know that it can be your strongest shield. I believe it knows what you can handle and what you can't. One of my exercises was to write down small details of my abuse. This was very difficult because I don't like remembering things. I wondered how the heck this could possibly help me. Yes, I got angry. Adding each word to my list was gut wrenching. For the next couple of days, I had the courage to slowly write the words down in my notebook.
After some time, I made a discovery. The words came easier, and the anger was subsiding. I was able to read over my entire list. I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from me. I WAS HEALING! Up until this point, I thought I would be living in misery and anger for the rest of my life. My little Wendy Sue was breaking free.
So, there will always be those days when I feel completely defeated. But I am trying to learn to turn those feelings into feelings of victory. No one sang it better than June Carter Cash!
There's a dark and troubled side of life.
There's a bright and a sunny side too.
Though we meet the darkness and strife,
The sunny side we also may view.
I guess just like my eggs, I want my days to be sunny side up. Looking upward at the great things that life can bring.
Monday, January 17, 2011
It's not good news, but we have to face reality.
As a child I felt helpless. I had no one to talk to. Even if I did I always had the fear that no one would believe me. I grew up thinking and believing that what happened to me was just something I had to live with. My self esteem was shattered. I was stuck living the rest of my life in a deep well filled with sorrow. But now I know differently. I want everyone to know that there is hope for healing. If you know someone, anyone, please help them. If you have ever suspected that you, your child, friend, sibling, significant other or anyone else has ever been sexually abused THEY PROBABLY HAVE! Here are a few facts for you:
Fact 1. Today, 95% of child sexual abuse can be prevented.
Fact 2. Today, living in the U.S., there are over 39 million adults who have survived childhood sexual abuse.
Fact 3. Today, more than 3 million children living in the U.S. are victims of sexual abuse. Children struggling alone, believing there is no adult that can help them.
-Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Mucho Support
My partner is my biggest support. Without her I would still be slowly dying inside. For as long as I can remember I've told myself I'm checking out at age 40. I figured by that point I had given enough to this lifes venture. But of course after we began our life together, my way of thinking changed drastically. She has done nothing but show her love and support from day one with this mess. I love her with all my heart and will be forever grateful for her.
My kids have also shown a great deal of support to me. As you can imagine, it was extremely difficult to tell them about being sexually abused. I'm not the one that usually has the most serious conversations with them. But, they had to hear it from me. They got upset, they cried and they got angry. I hope this recovery process helps to strengthen them and helps them realize they can be strong and take control of every situation that comes their way. I love each of my kids. I am so lucky to have them!
My youngest brother and his wife have also played a huge role in my progress. I feel like my brother is my bodyguard. He's always made me feel like "don't anyone mess with my sister". Having them involved has giving me an extra boost of determination. I know this has been challenging for my brother and his wife because they are a part of my dysfunctional family. But I think the way I see things now.....we are outcasts. We are the ones who no longer will live in silence. I love my brother and his wife. I feel their love and support 24/7.
My youngest and oldest sister have both voiced their concern about what's happening in my life. Although I'm not clear where each of them totally stand, my youngest sister seems to be more supportive and worried about my well being. I have spent some time with her since this all began and she has made me feel comfortable and I feel no judgement from her. I know we can relate to each other to some extent. I know in time we will help each other. But for now, I do feel like she is supportive of me.
My partner's family has also shown alot of love and support to me. They are good people and I love them very much. I feel very fortunate to be a part of their family. As crazy as they may seem sometimes, they have shown me how a normal family functions. I have experienced the loving healthy relationships that happen between parents and their children and between siblings.
As for the rest of my family.....I think they have all written me off. They see me as someone who is disrupting their perfect looking family. Once again, assuming the worst. But how can I think differently when they don't even bother with a simple "how are you?", "are you ok?", "can I help?"
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.” Bede Jarrett
I have now become the protector of my little Wendy Sue. I am helping her make peace with the atrocious events of her childhood life. I have found myself through her. Yeah, I will always do crazy spontaneous things, but watch out....she is free and wants to live her childhood. To my partner ....she is going to be a handful for you!
My family has stepped way back from this situation. I haven't spoken to my parents for quite awhile. I wrote them a letter telling them about the abuse. I got right to the point but didn't discuss details. There was no blame or anger. Just the facts. I can only imagine what they are feeling because they haven't written me back. I'm sad because I assume the worst. They want nothing to do with me and my life. This makes me very angry because they should have the natural instinct to want to help and to love me no matter what. I think the anger I have towards them hurts me the most right now.
I have quickly learned that repressing anger is not a good thing. Everyone around me suffers. I am ornery and very hard to interact with when I'm angry. But guess what? Letting the anger take control of you is sometimes a good thing. I have taken a hammer to several unarmed wooden pallets. Dealing with my anger constructively or in this case destructively, has allowed my body to release built up emotions. It feels good. I have bottled up my anger for many many years. In a matter of weeks, the bottle had lost its cap, and slowly the contents began to evaporate. My anger is now turning into determination. I will no longer be a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I am determined to end this. The secrets that plague my family will be disclosed.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Where the blame falls...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
So many tears...
I cried the entire way to my destination. With books in hand, eyes filled with tears, I approached the clerk. As she retrieved the books from me, immediately her cheerful "greeting" smile faded away. I was both embarrassed and humiliated. She kindly looked at me and explained even though I was a stranger to her, she wished me the best of luck and hoped that I would find happiness and peace. All I could do was force a meager smile in return. When I returned home, I plunged into the book. The next weeks were filled with a collection of many emotions. I spent the majority of my time reading and completing the tasks the books suggested.
And so it begins...
This time things had to be different. I could no longer hide behind the walls that I had constructed around myself. I had to be fully open and honest with her. So, before things got too serious, I opened my box of secrets. She needed to know what she was going to have to potentially deal with. At the time it seemed this would be the most terrible thing I would ever have to do. It ended up being quite the opposite. She made me feel safe. I trusted her 100%. As we drove around town, I told her that I had been sexually abused as a child. Not going into too much detail, I tearfully crawled over the walls that had surrounded me for the majority of my life. I gave her a brief history of the abuse and the abusers. Nearly 4 years would pass before I would take my next step forward. The next few years we would briefly discuss it, but I felt like she was just checking in with me more than anything. I have alot of respect for her for being so patient with me. She never pressured me to talk about the abuse. I think she knew what she was doing. I believe she knew I had to be the one to decide what had to be done and when. I am so grateful for the understanding and love that she has for me.
Recovering from the abuse has been awful and I know I will be recovering for the rest of my life. But, I have felt the weight of fear and anger lift from me. I am using this blog as part of my treatment. Writing has played a huge factor in my success as well as for many sexually abused victims. Recovering from sexual abuse has empowered me. It has also inspired me to tell my story in hopes that it helps someone like me. Someone who wants to be victorious!