I feel like I'm in a very dark cave. Almost claustrophobic. I talk out loud to my children. Then pause to write a few words. The only company I have is the ticking of the clock. Getting louder and louder, I want to throw something at it. But then I worry I will be left alone.
These past 3 1/2 months have been rather difficult. I feel like I've taken 100 steps backwards. I haven't felt this so abandoned for so long. Wait, abandoned is not the right word. My parents and some other family members have made me feel like I'm the last person who is chosen to be on a team. Like "oh shit, is there anyone else?" Family event. Me and my wife and our children had been planning on attending for months. A joyous occasion. Less than 48 hours prior to the event, concern was brought to my attention that perhaps my abuser and other abusers from my dad's family would be attending. What? No way. That can't be an option. Would they really do that to me? Yes. They did do that to me.
At this very minute I feel like the most unloved person that has ever taken a breath. I have been strong. I thought I had conquered the shame and the anger. But here I am. I am tired. Every ounce of me feels the exhaustion. I am no good to anyone in this condition.
Holidays. Fuck the holidays. Do they bring me happiness? A bit. Sometimes. My wife will tell you I'm Jekyll and Hyde. Honestly she will tell you that is more common than not. Few lines from the song:
There's just so much goddamn weight on my shoulders.
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life.
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder.
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside.
Oh, yo, yo, there's a demon inside.
Oh, yo, yo. Just like Jekyll and Hyde.
Oh, yo, yo, all this anger inside.
Oh, yo, yo, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.
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