To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.

Picture it...(yes, my favorite words of Estelle Getty) Alone, sitting at the computer, looking out the window...tapping my foot to the song Williamstown.  I am at peace. Right at this very moment, the only thing I would change would be having my partner home.  She has been gone since Sunday morning.  It has seemed like an eternity. But I have had alot of time to myself, and alot of time to put things back into perspective.

Awhile back I was reading some comments in a support group I belong to.  I always find it funny that no one ever uses their real name.  Always a screen name that keeps their identity hidden.  If you read my profile, my name is there.  You will also find where I live, and some of my interests.  Anyway, my point is, I'm not hiding.  This particular person, whom I'm assuming is male because if his screen name being "CrockHunter2" had absolutely no personal info listed. He sure has balls to say what's on his mind, but where are they in the end?  Hiding like a little baby behind a made up name.  Hmmm....

His post started off just fine.  Talking about people he knew that had been abused as children.  He seemed harmless.  His post made me feel like he knew of these people rather than really knowing them.  He used the two words "I think" alot!  Anyway, as I was reading along I came to a line that totally came out of nowhere!  He said "People who have been abused will always have evil inside of them."  Huh? I was thinking to myself, what a nut job.  I went to close the page but out of extreme curiosity of what other stupid things CrockHunter2 could possibly say I kept reading.  To sum up his thoughts, he believes that when anyone is sexually abused, they too become evil.  The abuser basically passes on some of his evilness.  

Now, I do believe that some evil resides in us all.  Hence the show Snapped.  But I don't believe that abusers "pass" on evil.  He went on to say that sexually abused victims become one of many things.  I'm going by memory, but basically this was his list. Victims become:

     Abusers 

     Addicts

     Violent

     Suicidal

     Incarcerated

So his list contained about 10-12 items.  The above 5 stuck out the most to me.  Lets just go in order here.  I know that behavior is learned.  People who are abusive in any manner have usually been around it or lived through it.  Do you agree?  You know Joe Blow.  He smacks around his wife. Joe Jr. is being taught it's ok to have this kind of behavior.  So, when Joe Jr. loses his cool later on in life, yep you guessed it.  Same goes for all kinds of abuse.  Now the thing that really really pushed me over the edge was his comment that all victims who have been sexually abused will at least think about doing it themselves.  Most at least experiment. WTF? Really. So as you can imagine, I was really wanting to rip this guys head off through the computer screen!  But remember, he's hiding.  I can honestly say that I know many people who have been sexually abused and his "facts" are not totally correct.  Don't put us all in the same category. You and I both know that it is highly likely that an abuser was once a victim.  But remember, you have to be accountable and take responsibility for your own actions.  Being a victim does not get you a free pass!  

Pull 10 addicts from a street corner.  Tell me, are all 10 victims? Probably of some kind.  My personal experience is that all I ever wanted was for it to just go away.  After a few beers, I can't make my mind even think of it.  Duh I'm going to drink.  And yes the alcohol went along with suicide. Whoop dee do!  Am I an addict?  No.  Am I suicidal?  No.  Of course victims think of killing themselves.  Look what has happened to them!  I would never wish it upon my worst enemy.  Yes, there will always be a part of my that is dead.  Lost forever.  But that doesn't mean the rest of me isn't worth living for.  

I have never been arrested.  I have never done anything that would even get me there.  I'm not sure I agree with this one at all.  It would be interesting though to find out the statistics on this one.  

I know you're wondering where I am going with all of this rambling. What started out as a simple entry has gotten out of control.  Let me sum up how I'm feeling right now.  Go back to the beginning.  "To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are."  I think of the person I could have become because of being sexually abused.  It scares me.  But I think I have done pretty damn good.  I know I can't take all the credit, I have alot of support in my life.  I used to wish I was living someone else's life.  Everyone's life was better than mine.  I didn't want to be Wendy anymore.  But sitting here tonight, I am happy to be me.  I am who I want to be.  I am content. Perhaps the most content I'v been in a really long time.  "Whatever the child can survive, the adult can heal." I'm feeling it.  My little Wendy Sue is a fighter, and because of her, I am seeing the light at the end of my tunnel.