I think Ive always been the type that tries to avoid confrontation. Ok, wait, maybe not so the past few years. I used to back down alot. With everything. I guess you could say I let people walk all over me. But, that just makes me feel weak, so lets not say that. I don't like to cause problems, I don't like to argue, and I don't like creating or being involved with drama. I don't have time for these things. But on occasion, I do have to speak up. And I think those moments make my partner very nervous. From the time I get the look on my face, until the first words are spoken.......I know what she'a thinking. Oh dear God, help us all.
My partner will testify under oath that I do everything possible to avoid any kind of argument with her. I refuse to let anger take over and end up saying something that I don't mean. We've all been there. In my previous relationships, this happened quite often. I have learned that once something is said, it stays out there forever. Never leaves you. With that being said, I believe we have got it figured out. Communication. Calm communication. Rational communication. Open communication. It works. One of us may be angry at the moment, but it's hard to stay angry when we are talking in "nice voices."
This brings me to what I really need to get off my chest. The anger and fear I'm feeling about confronting my abusers. My grandfather(I HATE calling him that) is dead. I know I will never feel any kind of resolution with being sexually abused by him. I can't confront him. I can tell him where to go. I can't flip him off. I tell myself that he's burning in hell, but I'm not a believer in hell, so that doesn't really do the trick. I guess one day, maybe I will find the answer.
My uncle is still around. I've thought about the different ways that I can confront him. I could write a letter. But, what would that really do for me? He will not respond, duh. He may not even read it. So tell me what a letter will do? I don't think anything. Then there's face to face confrontation. I'm worried about this one. I think I'm most afraid of what it will do to me. I'm not worried about being scared. I'm scared about being angry. Do you see what I'm saying? Even when I start thinking about confronting him, my blood starts to boil. I'm clenching my jaw. I feel every muscle in my body become tense. I want to beat the living shit out of him. No one will be able to stop me. I have years and years of pain and anger deep inside of me. Waiting to explode. No physical pain could ever come close to where I've been.
To me, this sounds like a good idea. It will be very healthy for me. But, I don't want to go to jail. I mean come on, the victim that was sexually abused as a child goes to jail for assault. The child molester is free. UGH! Because of this reality, I won't be throwing any punches.
I am going to take a huge step in my recovery this week. I am meeting with a police officer on Wednesday. Although I know this is going to be very difficult for me, I know this is what I need to do. Whatever the outcome, this will be one more step closer to becoming a survivor.
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