"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself"

Alan Alda...Who doesn't love that man?  He was wonderful in M.A.S.H. and how could you not just adore him in The Big C?  He is a guy that should be everyone's dad.  At least that's what I have created him as in my mind.  Through his various characters and personalities he has become the father icon for me.  Hollywood does that to us.

I have started this post about a dozen times.  I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can.  Over and over again.  I couldn't express what I was feeling.  I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me.  Today I am trying.

I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse.  I have felt it all.  I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything.  Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much.  The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying.  But guess what?  It didn't even phase me.  I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being.  I was angry for being called a liar.  But, you know what?  I don't even like this person.  Not even a little bit.  Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress.  In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole.  Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.

So where do I go from here?  I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother.  This is something that has been really good for me.  The anger is gone.  The hurt is becoming distant.  I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things.  The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed.  One day.  Like me.