“It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life." Ben Stein

The past several months, I have had the feeling of victory within me. Maybe that's the reason why it's been so difficult for me this past week. I am fully aware of the actuality of defeat. I know it exists and plays a huge role in who we are.

It all started with my previous post. I think the facts about childhood sexual abuse are sure to upset anyone. I get upset. I get angry. I am in a rage right now. To be honest, if it weren't so cold outside, I would be tearing something apart. But instead, I'm working through the anger by writing. Anyway, I have found that when I'm reading about statistics and such, I sometimes feel like "really...I'm ONE out of 39+ million victims." Can you even fathom that number? I sure can't. That number makes me feel microscopic.  I feel that there are so many victims, that what I've lived through, is just a common pot hole in the road.  I know I have to get past this way of thinking.

Yesterday, my partner and I went to lunch with my youngest sister, her husband and their cute little boy.  We had such a great time.  We spent nearly two hours visiting and catching up on life.  Although my abuse was not discussed, I left feeling that my bucket of hope and determination had elevated.  The fact alone that she knows what I'm going through and still wants to have a relationship with me, gives me some comfort.

I know how the human mind works.  The brain is amazing.  I also know that it can be your strongest shield.  I believe it knows what you can handle and what you can't.  One of my exercises was to write down small details of my abuse.  This was very difficult because I don't like remembering things.  I wondered how the heck this could possibly help me.  Yes, I got angry.  Adding each word to my list was gut wrenching.  For the next couple of days, I had the courage to slowly write the words down in my notebook.

After some time, I made a discovery.  The words came easier, and the anger was subsiding.  I was able to read over my entire list.  I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from me.  I WAS HEALING!  Up until this point, I thought I would be living in misery and anger for the rest of my life.  My little Wendy Sue was breaking free.

So, there will always be those days when I feel completely defeated. But I am trying to learn to turn those feelings into feelings of victory.  No one sang it better than June Carter Cash!

There's a dark and troubled side of life.
There's a bright and a sunny side too.
Though we meet the darkness and strife,
The sunny side we also may view.

I guess just like my eggs, I want my days to be sunny side up. Looking upward at the great things that life can bring.  

It's not good news, but we have to face reality.

The reality of childhood sexual abuse is terrifying.  I have chosen to discuss this now because I have an  overwhelming concern for the helpless victims.  Maybe it's because of where I am now and where I have been.

As a child I felt helpless.  I had no one to talk to.  Even if I did I always had the fear that no one would believe me. I grew up thinking and believing that what happened to me was just something I had to live with.  My self esteem was shattered.  I was stuck living the rest of my life in a deep well filled with sorrow.  But now I know differently.  I want everyone to know that there is hope for healing.  If you know someone, anyone, please help them.  If you have ever suspected that you, your child, friend, sibling, significant other or anyone else has ever been sexually abused THEY PROBABLY HAVE!  Here are a few facts for you:

Fact 1.  Today, 95% of child sexual abuse can be prevented.

Fact 2.  Today, living in the U.S., there are over 39 million adults who have survived childhood sexual abuse.

Fact 3.  Today, more than 3 million children living in the U.S. are victims of sexual abuse.  Children struggling alone, believing there is no adult that can help them.
-Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute

Mucho Support

After posting my last entry, I realized I need to be more clear on a few things.  I am not angry with my entire family.  And when I said family I mean my parents and most of my siblings.  I have an overwhelming support from alot of people.

My partner is my biggest support.  Without her I would still be slowly dying inside.  For as long as I can remember I've told myself I'm checking out at age 40.  I figured by that point I had given enough to this lifes venture.  But of course after we began our life together, my way of thinking changed drastically.  She has done nothing but show her love and support from day one with this mess. I love her with all my heart and will be forever grateful for her.

My kids have also shown a great deal of support to me.  As you can imagine, it was extremely difficult to tell them about being sexually abused.  I'm not the one that usually has the most serious conversations with them.  But, they had to hear it from me.  They got upset, they cried and they got angry.  I hope this recovery process helps to strengthen them and helps them realize they can be strong and take control of every situation that comes their way.  I love each of my kids.  I am so lucky to have them!

My youngest brother and his wife have also played a huge role in my progress.  I feel like my brother is my bodyguard.  He's always made me feel like "don't anyone mess with my sister".  Having them involved has giving me an extra boost of determination.  I know this has been challenging for my brother and his wife because they are a part of my dysfunctional family.  But I think the way I see things now.....we are outcasts.  We are the ones who no longer will live in silence.  I love my brother and his wife.  I feel their love and support 24/7.

My youngest and oldest sister have both voiced their concern about what's happening in my life.  Although I'm not clear where each of them totally stand, my youngest sister seems to be more supportive and worried about my well being.  I have spent some time with her since this all began and she has made me feel comfortable and I feel no judgement from her.  I know we can relate to each other to some extent.  I know in time we will help each other. But for now, I do feel like she is supportive of me.  

My partner's family has also shown alot of love and support to me. They are good people and I love them very much.  I feel very fortunate to be a part of their family.  As crazy as they may seem sometimes, they have shown me how a normal family functions.  I have experienced the loving healthy relationships that happen between parents and their children and between siblings.

As for the rest of my family.....I think they have all written me off. They see me as someone who is disrupting their perfect looking family. Once again, assuming the worst.  But how can I think differently when they don't even bother with a simple "how are you?", "are you ok?", "can I help?"

“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.” Bede Jarrett

Anger.  How do I deal with all this anger?  The more I read, the more I get choked with anger.  I still have days where it seems to take everything out of me just to breathe.  But they are getting further and further apart.  It's not a good feeling being so angry all the time.  I have overcome the anger that I once felt inside for myself.  But the anger for my parents and abusers have multiplied.  I have also become angry with other members of my family.  I couldn't understand why this was happening.  But then it all came together.  I was not the only one abused.  My family is saturated with secrets.

I have now become the protector of my little Wendy Sue.  I am helping her make peace with the atrocious events of her childhood life.  I have found myself through her.  Yeah, I will always do crazy spontaneous things, but watch out....she is free and wants to live her childhood.  To my partner ....she is going to be a handful for you!

My family has stepped way back from this situation.  I haven't spoken to my parents for quite awhile.  I wrote them a letter telling them about the abuse.  I got right to the point but didn't discuss details.  There was no blame or anger.  Just the facts.  I can only imagine what they are feeling because they haven't written me back.  I'm sad because I assume the worst.  They want nothing to do with me and my life. This makes me very angry because they should have the natural instinct to want to help and to love me no matter what.  I think the anger I have towards them hurts me the most right now.

I have quickly learned that repressing anger is not a good thing. Everyone around me suffers.  I am ornery and very hard to interact with when I'm angry.  But guess what?  Letting the anger take control of you is sometimes a good thing.  I have taken a hammer to several unarmed wooden pallets.  Dealing with my anger constructively or in this case destructively, has allowed my body to release built up emotions.  It feels good.  I have bottled up my anger for many many years.  In a matter of weeks, the bottle had lost its cap, and slowly the contents began to evaporate.  My anger is now turning into determination.  I will no longer be a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I am determined to end this.  The secrets that plague my family will be disclosed.          

Where the blame falls...

The first few chapters of the book were centered around recognizing the abuse as abuse and acknowledging where the blame belongs. First off, I already knew what happened to me was abuse.  There is no way you can look at the horrendous events and think otherwise. Now the blame is a whole different story.  I have never blamed myself for being sexually abused as a child.  This became difficult for me the moment I started to blame my adult self and my parents.  Let me explain my adult self.  That's the Wendy I am now.    The blame I was feeling was for the little girl inside of me.  That little Wendy Sue. That little girl that I didn't protect.  Sure, it'e easier now that I'm an adult to say the things I would do differently.  But that child would never be able to think the way I do now.  She responded the only way a child could have.  Scared and so lost.  I think back at my behavior as a child and wonder how could anyone have not known? Or at least had been suspicious?  This is where the blame I carry shifts to my parents.  How could they have raised me my entire childhood and not know?  My heart tells me they did know.  They just chose to do nothing about it.  I blame them for not only not protecting me, but for allowing the abusers to have access to me.  They put me in harms way.  Not once, not twice, but for most of what should have been called my childhood.  So that leaves me to the blame of the abusers. I blame THEM for what happened to me!  What they did to me was so heinous and so repulsive.  They took my childhood away from me. They forced me to become a victim.  Today I am fighting to become a survivor of being sexually abused by two members of my dad's family.  His father and his youngest brother.

So many tears...

That day started just like any other.  My partner was heading to work and kids were heading to school.  I can't tell you exactly what happened within me.  I started my usual morning routine.  I climbed up on my bed and opened the lap top.  I enjoy reading the news and keeping up with current topics.  As I was scrolling down the news page, a few words came to mind.  Am I ready?  I knew what I was asking  myself.  Obviously some part of my brain was doing some serious thinking.  So, I decided that researching childhood sexual abuse was harmless.  As I scoured the internet for articles and stories my heart began to sink.  I stumbled across a website for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  My eyes were glued to the computer screen.  Those stories....each story....was mine.  The pain, anger and fear from being sexually abused exists in all victims.  What I was feeling was indescribable.  I began to sob uncontrollably.  Right away I  realized that I was ready and I needed help.  Many of the websites had several helpful resources.  Now was the time to make a trip to the book store.

I cried the entire way to my destination.  With books in hand, eyes filled with tears, I approached the clerk.  As she retrieved the books from me, immediately her cheerful "greeting" smile faded away.  I was both embarrassed and humiliated.  She kindly looked at me and explained even though I was a stranger to her, she wished me the best of luck and hoped that I would find happiness and peace.  All I could do was force a meager smile in return.  When I returned home, I plunged into the book.  The next weeks were filled with a collection of many emotions.  I spent the majority of my time reading and completing the tasks the books suggested.      

And so it begins...

I'll start off with a quick history for you.  I am 37 years old.  I have lived in Utah my entire life.  I have 4 children and 1 step-child.  Four years ago I left the only life I had ever know, starting a new relationship with my partner.  I was ready to be happy and to fully experience this thing we call life. I have known my partner since I was 12 years old.  I felt like we had a connection.  Something was always there. But, as adults we went our separate ways.  We then reconnected.  After a brief "dating" period, I knew she was the one.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

This time things had to be different.  I could no longer hide behind the walls that I had constructed around myself.  I had to be fully open and honest with her.  So, before things got too serious, I opened my box of secrets.  She needed to know what she was going to have to potentially deal with.  At the time it seemed this would be the most terrible thing I would ever have to do.  It ended up being quite the opposite.  She made me feel safe.  I trusted her 100%.  As we drove around town, I told her that I had been sexually abused as a child. Not going into too much detail, I tearfully crawled over the walls that had surrounded me for the majority of my life.  I gave her a brief history of the abuse and the abusers.  Nearly 4 years would pass before I would take my next step forward.  The next few years we would briefly discuss it, but I felt like she was just checking in with me more than anything.  I have alot of respect for her for being so patient with me.  She never pressured me to talk about the abuse.  I think she knew what she was doing.  I believe she knew I had to be the one to decide what had to be done and when.  I am so grateful for the understanding and love that she has for me.

Recovering from the abuse has been awful and I know I will be recovering for the rest of my life.  But, I have felt the weight of fear and anger lift from me.  I am using this blog as part of my treatment.  Writing has played a huge factor in my success as well as for many sexually abused victims.  Recovering from sexual abuse has empowered me.  It has also inspired me to tell my story in hopes that it helps someone like me.  Someone who wants to be victorious!