Wow! It's been almost a year since I have written. I can come up with a list to help justify the length of time, but why? Life is busy and chaotic for anyone who is living. But what is boils down to is I have been trying to live each day without my past being the present. The past several years have been ridiculously difficult. And no doubt my soul needed a break from it all. But I have tried, and many times succeeded feeling like I am.....normal.
Normal? What is normal? Sadly, the more I talk with people, the more I read, being sexually abused is so common. Way too common. Normal? Hell No! But, I can see how it's possible to feel abnormal by not having sexual abuse part of your life. Either you are a victim, or you know someone who is or has been. Am I not right? This world is so full of abuse. It's sickening how many people I can think of right this very minute that have gone through the same pain and fear I've experienced. Sure, I feel victorious most of the time. But this shit is always a part of you. I have always felt so lucky for the wonderful supportive people I have in my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and who truly care about me.
40 years of life is quickly approaching for me. Am I scared? A little bit. I look in the mirror and I no longer see the 25 year old version of me. It kinda sucks! But on a more positive note, I'm still here, making good memories!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself"
Alan Alda...Who doesn't love that man? He was wonderful in M.A.S.H. and how could you not just adore him in The Big C? He is a guy that should be everyone's dad. At least that's what I have created him as in my mind. Through his various characters and personalities he has become the father icon for me. Hollywood does that to us.
I have started this post about a dozen times. I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can. Over and over again. I couldn't express what I was feeling. I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me. Today I am trying.
I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse. I have felt it all. I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything. Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much. The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying. But guess what? It didn't even phase me. I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being. I was angry for being called a liar. But, you know what? I don't even like this person. Not even a little bit. Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress. In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole. Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.
So where do I go from here? I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother. This is something that has been really good for me. The anger is gone. The hurt is becoming distant. I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things. The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed. One day. Like me.
I have started this post about a dozen times. I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can. Over and over again. I couldn't express what I was feeling. I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me. Today I am trying.
I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse. I have felt it all. I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything. Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much. The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying. But guess what? It didn't even phase me. I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being. I was angry for being called a liar. But, you know what? I don't even like this person. Not even a little bit. Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress. In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole. Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.
So where do I go from here? I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother. This is something that has been really good for me. The anger is gone. The hurt is becoming distant. I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things. The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed. One day. Like me.
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