UGH!!! UGH!!! UGH!!!

Some days just have to happen. And, sometimes you just need to say it like it is.  Not worried about having a well written post tonight.

It all started yesterday.  My youngest daughter was chatting with me, and told me she had run into my dad's brother at Costco.  As you can imagine, the feeling I got in my gut was awful.  I asked her some questions, trying to figure out who it was.  She couldn't remember anything other than he said he was my uncle.  So, I let myself get all worked up in fear it was him.  Well, come to find out (through her dad) it was him.  The rage I have felt since this news has been very disturbing.  Over and over I have asked myself how could this have happened.  I'm not doing my job.....protecting my children.  What right does he think he has to talk to them.  To even look at them.  Yeah, I want to do something crazy.  Restraining order.  Threatening visit from me.  Ugh...I feel helpless right now!  How do I get out of this space?  I know I need to move forward with this.  I know it's going to entail a confrontation.  Can I handle it? Can I control the anger I feel right now?  Probably not.  I guess that's why I'm sitting here on my couch rather than in the car heading to his house.  I can't feel like I am doing nothing about it.  I can't live with the fear that this might happen again.  I need to be assured that this will NEVER happen again!  Any suggestions?

Taking care of me.

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you had all the time in the world?  As crazy as this might sound, I have no clue what I would do!  Figuring out your beliefs and values definitely help you become your own self.  But you also need to figure out what you enjoy doing and what fulfills you.

I found it rather difficult to complete the next exercise.  Picture having no responsibility at all.  No family members to be taking care of or worrying about.  No laundry or dishes to get caught up with.  No yard work or errands to run.  No dogs to feed, let outside, or keep track of.  Nothing.  And no worries about time or money.  What would I do if I had no responsibilities or obligations.  Hmmm.....I would be bored.  I have no idea what I would do.  I was supposed to think of something that I would enjoy doing by myself.  Well, maybe tinkering in the garage.  But even that wouldn't last long.  I enjoy doing alot of things, but always with other people.

I kinda skipped that part.  The way I saw it, I was wasting time trying to make myself think of something.  But, what I found out next was enlightening.  Children who have been sexually abused are more concerned about making the people around them happy than making themselves happy.  I can't speak for other victims, but I know how I felt and sometimes still do.  Pleasing others made me feel valuable and worth while.  What other reason did I have to live for?  I spent countless hours on other people.  Maybe because I was afraid to take care of myself.  I definitely didn't know how to care for myself.

What does it entail to take care of Wendy?  To begin with, subtract 30 years from my life.  What does a 7 year old child need?  Praise and nurturing for starters.  Then of course trust and the feeling of security.  Love, love and more love.  Then.....here comes the self esteem.  Now you can add the 30 years back on.  What do I need today to make sure I'm "feeding" my soul?  Here's the list I came up with, even though I don't do all of them yet.

1. Love yourself (I do believe it's impossible to honestly love others until you have learned to love yourself!)
2. Put your needs first (I'm still trying to figure out what my needs are)
3. Make time for yourself (even though I do make time to do things with others, I find I can't make the time to just be alone)
4. Be in control (Not only of yourself, but of situations around you.  I like to feel like I'm in charge. I think my partner and my kids help to make me feel like I'm in control of things.  Even when I'm really not)
5. Demand respect (From everyone!)

Short list, but rather difficult for me.  I want to love myself.  Some days, I wish I could be that person you want to punch because they are so in love with themselves. Yadda yadda, blah blah, me me me. You know the type I'm talking about.  But that's not really the self love that I want.

I am learning to take control.  Learning to be in charge of me.  I have taken control of being sexually abused.  I am taking control of what I am allowing to happen.  Yes, there are days that I feel are either going in the wrong direction or feeling like things are going too fast for me to deal with emotionally.  But the cool thing is, since I have control of it, I get to slam on the brakes or turn the wheel to stay on the path.

Who the hell am I anyway?

At some point in everyone's life, you have to become your own self. You have to create your own separate identity. Think about it for a moment.  Every child is influenced by their parents. Your parent's beliefs, values, feelings and priorities become a part of who you are. Victims of sexual abuse find it more difficult to have a strong sense of themselves.  I always felt like I needed to live my life as my parents expected me to.  I had many issues with their beliefs, but I didn't believe I was strong enough to stand on my own.  I had to do what my parents and siblings were doing.  I was no longer a person.  I was a member of a "cartel".  That might seem a bit humorous to you, but that's the truth.  I was someone's daughter or sister.  I wasn't Wendy. I never had the courage or strength to become my own person.  In a weird way, much like my abuse, I felt like I just had to deal with it. Yes, I know that being sexually abuse is much more horrific, but I can now see how both controlled parts of me.

Today, I feel like Wendy.