Hello darkness; my old friend.

I feel like I'm in a very dark cave. Almost claustrophobic.  I talk out loud to my children. Then pause to write a few words. The only company I have is the ticking of the clock. Getting louder and louder, I want to throw something at it. But then I worry I will be left alone.

These past 3 1/2 months have been rather difficult. I feel like I've taken 100 steps backwards. I haven't felt this so abandoned for so long. Wait, abandoned is not the right word. My parents and some other family members have made me feel like I'm the last person who is chosen to be on a team. Like "oh shit, is there anyone else?" Family event. Me and my wife and our children had been planning on attending for months. A joyous occasion. Less than 48 hours prior to the event, concern was brought to my attention that perhaps my abuser and other abusers from my dad's family would be attending.  What? No way. That can't be an option. Would they really do that to me? Yes. They did do that to me.

At this very minute I feel like the most unloved person that has ever taken a breath. I have been strong. I thought I had conquered the shame and the anger. But here I am. I am tired. Every ounce of me feels the exhaustion.  I am no good to anyone in this condition.

Holidays. Fuck the holidays. Do they bring me happiness? A bit. Sometimes. My wife will tell you I'm Jekyll and Hyde. Honestly she will tell you that is more common than not. Few lines from the song:

There's just so much goddamn weight on my shoulders.
All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life.
Supposed to be happy, but I'm only getting colder.
Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside.

Oh, yo, yo, there's a demon inside.
Oh, yo, yo. Just like Jekyll and Hyde.
Oh, yo, yo, all this anger inside.
Oh, yo, yo, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.

HELLO, my name is Normal

I started this post on July 7, 2014. For whatever reason, I didn't publish it. I was about to delete it and then realized this was just as important as any of my other posts. Important to me.  I was meant to post this.

It's been awhile.....but still here.  All of it.

It seems that these past 6+ months have bombarded most everything in my life.  A medical issue has forcefully given me plenty of thinking time.  And talk about feeling every emotion.  At first I was so angry and a bit scared. Here I am 40 years old and I can't help to wonder........is this karma?  Is this all the years I've been wanted to be done with life, happening?  Ahh....probably not. So get up and suck it up:)

I find it very interesting that as day to day life goes on, I still find myself sifting through my thoughts and feelings about my past.  I am still searching for things to help me try to understand my childhood.  Perhaps the search is hopeless.  Although I truly feel I have made alot of progress, I feel like this is really a lifelong sentence.  All it takes is a TV show, news article or someones stupid comments that gets me in a rage.  Paul from the Big C describes it perfect.  "Flip the Switch." Although he is talking about change, positive change, it also is a good example of how quickly and fiercely my mood can change. Given the right ingredients, it can all go to hell.  Just as it has done so many times over the years.    

Now today, a year and a half later.  I have neglected my sweet little Wendy Sue. I tend to keep myself too busy. Family, work, pets and even dumb time wasting things. I need to make time for her. So..here I am. Letting her help me express my thoughts and allowing me get back to a simple child's mind.

I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with two of my cousins who were a huge part of my childhood life. The circumstances weren't the most joyous, but it enabled us to become part of each other's lives again. It's a good feeling.

A few weeks ago I was feeling all mighty and powerful. I shared a post on Facebook about Utah being the state with the highest reported sexual abuse cases. Did you catch that? Reported cases. So many many unreported cases. Many people like me. Struggling just to survive in this crazy world for so many years without help.  I felt good about the post. Bringing awareness to the problem. That's where my cousins come into the picture. I was told about the horrible things that had also happened to them. Talk about a stab in the heart. Pull the knife out, and stab me again. The two same fuckers...my dad's dad and youngest brother. I also found out an additional brother was abusing family members. And, other members of my dad's family knew what was happening and did nothing to stop it. In fact, my dad's brother in law ( LDS bishop at the time) knew full well what had happened to at least 2 of my cousins and approved and supported my dad's youngest brother to serve an LDS mission. Disregarding everything that was told to him. As you can imagine, my blood boiled. I was beyond angry. I still am. To hear ANOTHER family member share their pain with me put me in anger overdrive.

I remember years ago, sitting in church and a lady was speaking of our life before we were born. Not really giving a shit about what she had to say, I was just letting my mind wonder to other things.  I can only tell you one thing she said. Something on the lines of this:  we chose our own trials. WTF?  We chose what we thought we could handle. Ok, at first I was thinking want an idiot.  Seriously, I chose this? Was I on crack at the time?  Then I convinced myself I did choose to be sexually abused. Only so my loved ones would be spared. That was bullshit. I obviously don't belief this at all. But I did at one point. I wish it were the case. But as you know, I now know of 6 family members besides me that were sexually abused as children.

So what do I do now?  I need a plan.  I'm not just going to let it go and move on. I need to make my Wendy Sue proud. I need to do it for her and for the other victims whom I dearly love.

Just like my health issue, it will always be there. Staying dormant until for whatever reason it decides to remind me it is there, so is my past. So is my little innocent Wendy Sue.