Alan Alda...Who doesn't love that man? He was wonderful in M.A.S.H. and how could you not just adore him in The Big C? He is a guy that should be everyone's dad. At least that's what I have created him as in my mind. Through his various characters and personalities he has become the father icon for me. Hollywood does that to us.
I have started this post about a dozen times. I would write some, few days later write more, let a day or two pass then I would send it to the trash can. Over and over again. I couldn't express what I was feeling. I was lost as to how I could once again let you in my head and try to understand me. Today I am trying.
I have now experienced what I think to be the emotional web of sexual abuse. I have felt it all. I have allowed my mind and my body to let go and feel everything. Some things are still rather difficult for me to feel, others not so much. The one feeling I was so afraid of feeling, being called a liar, having someone not believe me, that was terrifying. But guess what? It didn't even phase me. I mean yeah I was pissed that I had opened up to someone who I thought I could trust, and someone I thought was a decent human being. I was angry for being called a liar. But, you know what? I don't even like this person. Not even a little bit. Perhaps I felt it easier to force myself to like him because of my relationship with my partner. Regardless, it hasn't slowed down my progress. In fact I think I should be thanking him for being such an ass hole. Because of him and his stupidity, I am no longer afraid of anyone questioning me.
So where do I go from here? I am on the journey of building a relationship with my mother. This is something that has been really good for me. The anger is gone. The hurt is becoming distant. I never knew it was possible to be where I am today. I still go crazy and do stupid things. The weather makes it rather difficult for me to be too destructive outside, so my bedroom wall has taken a beating. But it will be fixed. One day. Like me.
