So give me the energy. Give me the confidence. Help me dig down deep and find my strength once again. I can't end my story now. How will I feel in 5 years, 10 years maybe even tomorrow if I let myself just push this back into the never ending hole where it has been infesting my soul for decades?
I have been so busy with other things lately that I am feeling like this is slowly becoming easier to just not think about. Don't get me wrong. It's never completely gone, and there are times my rage and angry start to take over again. I hate feeling like I'm no longer heading in the right direction.. I'm just at a halt. Hanging out at the rest area. No bueno!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm feeling like an....... omelette!
I know it may be a weird thing to compare my feelings to, but it describes the way I've been feeling very well. Eggs, beaten to death. Throw in some chopped up ham, diced onions, and some sliced peppers. Turn the heat up. Grate the cheese to heck.Throw a handful in. Just when that omelette gets nice and cozy, flip the sucker over. Then top with a pound of cheese to help weigh it down. Oh and don't forget about the person eating it. Chomp chomp chomping away.
The sad thing about me feeling this way is that I've done it to myself. I have let my negative thoughts and feelings take over. Sure, alot is happening right now besides my recovery. So naturally I am getting overwhelmed and feeling defeated. I am letting things really wear me down and I don't like it. I feel like I'm in a space where I can't deal with this crap anymore. I want it gone!
I haven't been able to talk to anyone yet about what can be done legally. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I had prepared myself emotionally, but meeting with the officer I had planned didn't work out. So, now I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. I don't feel as ready and as confident as before. In fact, yesterday I told my partner I was done dealing with it. I no longer wanted to find resolution. I wanted to walk away from it and somehow have it magically be gone.
Well, guess what? I woke up this morning and it's all still here. Good try I guess.
What this all boils down to is that I'm feeling like being abused was no big deal. Happens all the time. I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to see some justice. I wanted this to be stopped. But I feel like I'm not succeeding. And that really sucks!
The sad thing about me feeling this way is that I've done it to myself. I have let my negative thoughts and feelings take over. Sure, alot is happening right now besides my recovery. So naturally I am getting overwhelmed and feeling defeated. I am letting things really wear me down and I don't like it. I feel like I'm in a space where I can't deal with this crap anymore. I want it gone!
I haven't been able to talk to anyone yet about what can be done legally. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I had prepared myself emotionally, but meeting with the officer I had planned didn't work out. So, now I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. I don't feel as ready and as confident as before. In fact, yesterday I told my partner I was done dealing with it. I no longer wanted to find resolution. I wanted to walk away from it and somehow have it magically be gone.
Well, guess what? I woke up this morning and it's all still here. Good try I guess.
What this all boils down to is that I'm feeling like being abused was no big deal. Happens all the time. I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to see some justice. I wanted this to be stopped. But I feel like I'm not succeeding. And that really sucks!
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