The past few months have been very chaotic. We bought a house and moved. Far away. Very small town. I have had no time to think about my past. But just like most horror movies, the nightmare has returned. Being busy may have kept me from thinking about it, but now it is taking over my sleep. For the past 3 weeks I have been remembering my dreams. Something I rarely do. Maybe once a month and only bits and pieces. But, that has all changed. The dreams started out as having my dad appear. The first few nights, (let's call this chapter one) I felt like I was having an average dream. I looked up, and he was always there. Watching me. He didn't say anything and wasn't really a part of what was going on in my dream. It made me very upset and I was scared. When I woke up, I was still upset, but also extremely angry. He wasn't supposed to be in my dream. What right does he have to be there? I hadn't been thinking or talking about the abuse in weeks. What was going on?
Then chapter two came along. Now, not only was my dad invading my dreams but now so were other people, including the abuser. My dad's family all started to appear in my dreams. I truly believe that the abuse involving my dad's family is more severe than I can imagine. Something very evil resided in my grandfather. I will never know what turned him into such a horrific beast. He deeply disturbed the lives of his children. I think not only were they all abused as children, but I also believe the abuse continued through adulthood. Their lack of accountability, and huge lack of protecting their children has resulted in harsh feelings. I am angry at these people. So, it was no surprise the rage I felt when I woke up. This all was starting to wear on me. I was waking up angry and ornery. And very tired! Not a good way to be starting the day.
After a few nights of this, things changed. Chapter three was nothing like the first two chapters. Although unwanted people were trespassing into my dreams, there was never any communication or physical contact. Great.....now there was. The first dream was about my dad's sister. I was the age I am now. We were out and about shopping together. Now this time, I wasn't feeling anger towards her or feeling like she shouldn't be there. It was very weird. I remember thinking to myself "oh this isn't too bad. It might even be fun". But then things quickly changed. My aunt started to come onto me. OK, sick and disgusting right? I will spare you the details. But as you can imagine I was freaking the eff out! Putting it mildly. I woke up and it took me awhile to realize I was dreaming and why I was so upset. This ruined my day. And I think that's when I realized what was happening to me. Other dreams in this chapter have included talking with my parents. During one dream I felt like my parents were trying to help me. We were discussing the abuse and they were asking me questions about it. I was feeling safe. I remember feeling like this was what I really needed from my parents. But right as I'm feeling those feelings, I look at my dad and he starts to ask me crazy disgusting questions about the abuse and I realize he's enjoying it. I woke up upset, but also thinking to myself "not far from the truth".
So last night's dream really made me angry. I woke up yelling and startled my partner and dogs. I felt like I couldn't fully wake up. I was stuck in this dream that I wanted so badly to be out of! My mom had come to visit me. Wanted to clear her conscience. She began yacking away about nothing, and then suddenly she begins to divulge her secrets. Then as she's telling me, I look over and my dad is there. Which has now more than just annoyed me. I kept thinking that she knows I don't want to see him. Why would she bring him when I specifically asked her not to. I wasn't listening to what she was saying. I was only listening to myself. She obviously caught on. She grabbed me by my arms and started to shout in my face. She was so angry. And crying. And then she tells me about the two 1/2 siblings I have. What? My dad had fathered two other children. But they both had developmental problems. He hid them from me and my siblings. I kept asking her why and she was yelling "Stay out of it! Stay out of it!" I was so confused. She was telling me this stuff, I wasn't confronting her. And my dad, he just stood there. A few feet away. Smiling. I was so angry at him. I wanted to kill him. After sometime, I turned the tables. I was yelling at my mom. Asking her how she could stay with my dad. Asking her what was so wrong with her that she couldn't just walk away from him. I wanted answers! But, I wasn't getting any from her. So once again I woke up yelling and in a rage.
I have been searching for help with all of this. Maybe it's because it's never out of my head. No matter how busy I get, it's still there. Perhaps that's the only time I have been allowing myself to think about it. While I am sleeping. Although I don't feel like I'm choosing to lose sleep or wake up angry. I'm feeling like I'm losing some control. I don't like it!
