I'm a true believer that everyone and everything serves a purpose. Things happen, people come and go and Whoppers go up 50 cents. Sometimes shit just happens. Fences.....seriously mine were more like barricades the size of skyscrapers! But it was my safe place. Letting no one in. I could be in my own little world and not have to admit the misery I was a slave to.
I have worked hard to tear my fence down. It's been tough. Probably because I don't like to just slap on some paint to cover the weathered wood. Instead, I am one who likes to put on many layers just to make sure the fence is protected. But it's protecting me. Does it really need to be protected? I think I really over did it with the upkeep on my fence. Should have just let it slowly rot away years ago. Much easier said than done though.
I have learned that each slat in my fence was put there for a reason. I achieved my goal of keeping everyone out for over 2 decades. Each piece of wood represented my fear. Tearing down each piece also scared me. I didn't know what would happen. Telling my partner was the first step in my recovery. Once that piece was removed, it seemed to get a bit easier. You know why? Because I was filled with her undying support. I can't say this enough...she saved my life. My soul is truly at peace because of her and her love. I am the luckiest woman on this planet!
The fear I had telling my youngest brother was different. I already knew how he was going to react. I already knew the look he would have on his face. And, I knew what his first words would be. I was scared for what this could do to him. I have never wanted to make anyone's life more difficult because of this. That makes absolutely NO sense. The only people I want to feel pain and misery are my abusers. But telling him and his wife also increased the feeling of support. I was beginning to have my own little cheering section!
Talking to my sisters also scared me. I didn't know what would be behind those boards. But once again, I feel their support. And the best part of that section of fence being gone....I have been able to spend time with them and finding out who they really are. My oldest and youngest sisters are like the long lost friends you had a as child. I see both of them differently now. I love to visit with them. But, I feel their pain and that upsets me. Naturally I just to help them and make things right for them. But, I also know it's up to them.
My parents portion of my fence has been very tough. I see them differently too. But I've learned it's ok to feel like I do about them. Especially my father. I am in a space right now that I am just fine if I never see him again. You may disagree with how I feel, but he is a part of this awful mess. I can't just close my eyes and pretend everything is ok with him. It's very far from it.
My kids have also helped in the destruction of my fence. I want them to see me as the strongest mom ever. I don't want them to see how weak I can be. I've always felt like my relationships with my kids have been great. But just like everyone else, it has changed. For the good. I was scared that they would just not want to hear about it. I worried that they wouldn't want to be involved with my recovery. They are right there in my corner also cheering me on.
Many people and things are helping me tear this fence down and helping me haul it off. Talking, writing, reading and just simple interactions with people are making this easier and easier. I am very grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. I must have done something right to have so much support and love from many people who I care deeply about.
You have to take the first step. Even if it seems so small at first. Or perhaps you might feel it could the most difficult thing ever. But you have to do it. It took too many years of my life away. Don't let it take one more day of your life. Or of your friend's life. Or of your spouses life. Or of your sibling's life. Or of your child's life.
